Press On

Reject the worldly lie that says,
That life lies always up ahead,
Let power go before control becomes a crust around your soul,
Escape the hunger to possess,
And soul-diminishing success,
This world is full of narrow lives,
I pray by grace your smile survives.

-Michael Card, Sunrise Of Your Smile
______________________

It is easy to forget that the world would lie to us. I have been so driven to what's ahead that I have been annoyed with what is before me. Over the last three weeks it has been pointed out to me that I lost my smile. Oh, I would still flash the teeth from time to time at appropriate moments, but the emotion behind it was flat. My joy, the rocket fuel that propels a smile into meaningful existence, had been stolen.

The enemy of my soul convinced me that I could not be fulfilled right now; that being discontent at work and in love was all that I had to look forward to. Every dream I have is beyond my reach right now. None of them will be accomplished soon. That perceived fact became a millstone around my neck.

Tension, anger, bitterness, confusion, and (did I mention tension?) began to overtake me. My thoughts were cloudy, and everything lacked definition.

After discussing some of my frustration with my parents, we sat and watched part of the Scribbling in the Sand DVD. We came to a song that I have heard many times, but rarely paid attention to, and halfway through it, my parents restarted the song.

"Reject the worldly lie that says,
That life lies always up ahead,"

It's so hard to remember. It's hard to remember that life is right now. It isn't the grand dreams of tomorrow, it's the small tasks of today. It's hard to remember that my parents really are smart. It's hard to remember that I am so loved. It's hard to remember that the destiny is not always achievable. It's hard to remember that the road to the destiny doesn't have to make sense to me.

It's hard to remember that it's not about me and my dreams, it's about Him and His. It's hard to remember that Jesus was formed in a womb, that it took nine months to accomplish this. It's hard to remember that it took him about a year before he stood up and walked. It's hard to remember that the mouth that spoke galaxies into existence reduced himself to spending a year or so in silence before he learned to say "Abba." It's hard to remember that he was noisy, that his diaper (or whatever the modern convenience was) had to be changed. He had to be cleaned. He probably got splinters from working with his adopted dad. His destiny was to sit at the right hand of God. His destiny was also to face the cross. His destiny was also healing the leper, casting out demons, giving sight to the blind. But there were so many daily steps he had to take to get there.

His destiny restores to me what my enemy would take. Because of his daily life, I have joy. Because he had to deal with the mundane, I am equipped to do the same.
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Momentum

Have you ever been sailing? There is something about moving under the power of the wind. I've been boating more than a few times, but only once have I been sailing. 38 feet of boat, cutting through Grapevine Lake, bearing me over the waters at what seems like incredible speed. I have no doubt that most boats would leave the cloth and mast in their wake, and yet she seems more majestic, more powerful a boat than they.

In a powerboat, the wind blows in your face, providing resistance to your destination. In her, the same wind that pushes her pushes you, so you feel as though you too ride the breath of God.

She has a weakness though. She has no strength of her own. She moves only at the bidding of God. When He stirs the winds, she catches it, channels it, and rides it to her destination. She is free, so long as He gives her breath.

Many times in my life, I feel like her; Able to move only at the bidding of God. When the winds are stirred it seems as if nothing could stop the progress; but when the wind dies, so do many dreams. The questions come, but the wind does not. When will God look again in favor on my journey and bless it with His guiding winds? When will He fill His lungs, and once again breathe on me? As the one sail deflated, I began to question the others.

Was I simply pushing for a destination I wanted? Like Jonah, have I been sailing the wrong direction? If I was wrong in the one direction, could I be wrong in the others? It's amazing how quickly momentum dies. When will I move? To where? For what purpose? For what Job? I had so much figured out, but it isn't turning out like I expected. I want to be free in the power of His powerful breath.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,
fill me with life anew,
that I may love what thou dost love,
and do what thou wouldst do.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,
until my heart is pure,
until with thee I will one will,
to do and to endure.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,
till I am wholly thine,
till all this earthly part of me
glows with thy fire divine.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,
so shall I never die,
but live with thee the perfect life
of thine eternity.
Edwin Hatch

Holy Spirit, breathe on me. Lead on, O King eternal. Help me to get out of Your way as You direct me in Your paths. Help me find my sufficiency in You alone. When I am discouraged, help me run only to You. I lay myself at Your feet and in Your hands.

Redefined

Noise in the house keeps me up tonight. I wanted to be in bed hours ago, but I have been prevented. And the longer I try to sleep, but do not, the more I think. Honestly, I haven't thought about it much at all today, ah but tonight, tonight my thoughts once again turn to the changing status of a once-courting relationship.

The few people that know have attempted to be consolatory. However, I do not want to be made to feel better, I want time to process. I want to wrestle with how I should now behave toward her. I want to ponder how the relationship must now be lived out. How do I express in non-romantic ways the depth of emotion I feel? How do I now communicate with her?

It isn't that everything is drastically different. In fact, that is part of the problem. If things were drastically different, then all I would need to do is pick up the pieces and "get over her." But it isn't drastic, it's subtle, and as she knows, I'm not known for mastery of the subtle. It's word choice; it's expressing affection in a platonic rather than romantic way. It's giving her space; it's giving me space. It's a thousand things that I cannot begin to fathom, but that I don't want to mess up.

You see, there is still a great depth of emotion tied up here. She is still as precious to me as any treasure. Something is deemed precious because of its rarity. And her friendship is therefore precious to me. I am a very outgoing person; I have a number of people who are wonderful acquaintances. Yet, I only have about half-a-dozen close friends. As such, to lose her friendship would be a great loss indeed.

Yesterday I quoted a number of poems with the theme of unrequited love. Today I quote a stanza devoted to a different love; one that operates without respect to response.

Love is patient and kind;
Love does not envy or boast;
It is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way;
It is not irritable or resentful;
It does not rejoice at wrongdoing,
But rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things,
Believes all things,
Hopes all things,
Endures all things.
Love never ends.
I Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)

Unrequited

I can't sleep. I'm not tired. Okay, maybe a little tired.
_____________________
A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.
From Anacreon, vii. Gold., Abraham Cowley

There is no sorrow like a love denied
Nor any joy like love that has its will.
The Marriage of Guenevere. Act i. Sc. 3., Richard Hovey

I fear to love you, Sweet, because
Love's the ambassador of loss.
To Olivia, Francis Thompson


Yon banks and hills of bonnie Doon,
How can you bloom so fresh and fair?
And little birds, how can you chaunt
With me so weary... full o' care?

You'll break my heart, you warbling birds
That wanton thru the flow'ry thorns
You remind me of departed joys
Departed... never to return.

Oft did I rove by bonnie Doon
To see the rose and woodbine twine
And every bird sang of its love
As fondly once I sang of mine.

With lightsome heart I pulled a rose
Full sweet from off its thorny tree
But my first lover stole that rose
And, ah! has left its thorns with me.
The Banks Of Bonnie Doon by Robert Burns
_____________________

Ok, so it's a bit melodramatic. And in fact it's not so raw as the above. I have felt but a shadow of the emotion that each of these write about.

But today a battle for my mind ensues. On the one side is cynicism and callused thoughts, on the other hope.

I know that I will not allow myself to be consumed by cynicism. I don't fear that. But I know that cynicism is content to win a small portion of my thoughts. If it can get a foothold, it knows how to get the rest of me.

But I give myself too quickly. I invest my emotions, my thoughts, and myself into relationship; only to find that what I invested so much into, dissipates like the morning mist.

As the song goes, It's nobody's fault by mine.

It's hard though, when you think that the affection is mutual only to find out you were wrong (see Abraham Cowley above).

Now, it isn't necessarily "over," although my confidence has surely waned. "The door is still open," she says. But how long? And to what end?

I fear that cynicism gains ground, simply because I don't feel anything. And maybe it's just the shocked numbness that one could expect. But it feels like a different numbness. I'm not upset, angry, demoralized, weepy, or any other emotion. I feel the absence of emotion. I know it won't last, I've got to feel sooner or later, but not tonight.

I survey the desires of my heart, knowing that God will fulfill or change each one of them, and I feel so far away from the completion of any of them. They, everyone, seem out of reach, and my heart languishes.

I many times thought peace had come
When peace was far away,
As wrecked men deem they sight the land
When far at sea they stay.

And struggle slacker, but to prove,
As hopelessly as I,
That many the fictitious shores
Before the harbor lie.
I Many Times Thought by Emily Dickinson

Lord, restore my peace. Restore my Joy. Bring me into the fulfillment of Your plan for me.

Trust

Trust.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

Don't rely on what you think you understand.

Rather, give God the credit in everything.

Then your path will be set before you by God.

(Proverbs 3:5 personal paraphrase)

I am a somewhat analytical person. I like to have my ducks in a row. I like to have things planned out to a reasonable extent. I believe plans are made to be broken. I have been taught that if you make a plan you have two choices, a) to follow the plan, and b) to do something other than the plan; but if you have no plan your only option is to wing it. (Cheesy, I know... my scoutmaster gets all the credit for that jewel)

I like my path to be clear. I don't mind curves if I can anticipate them. I don't mind steep inclines or even sheer cliffs, if they are on the map and I have prepared for them. I like a path that fits into my understanding.

When climbing a mountain I trust my rope. I've inspected it. I know it is rated for 8000 lbs. I know that no stress I can put on it will cause it to fail me. Yet it is so difficult for me to trust God with the unknown. Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

I don't understand why I am faced with certain circumstances. I don't understand how best to address the situation. I am a fairly knowledgeable guy, no jeopardy contestant mind you; I'd never get a million from Regis, but neither am I a dunce. My understanding has done pretty well for me. Yet now, I am faced daily with a circumstance that I am not positive how to handle. Lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him. That means when the day doesn't go like I plan, I give Him credit, and thank Him for making it interesting. I give God credit for my successes and trust him with my failures. It means a million other things that I don't know or understand yet.

And He will direct your paths. He will make your paths straight.


God, the more I try to discern my path, the muddier it becomes. I lay down my plans and ambitions. I lay down my rights; I lay down my knowledge at your feet. God, You are acquainted with all my ways. You direct my steps. I surrender myself to You. I lay down my own plans and give you the reigns. Direct my paths Lord. Where you lead me - when you lead me - I will follow.

A Hundred Thousand Things

I have a hundred thousand different things I need to write, but you'll only get to read a few of them.

The past week has been one of overload, but not in a bad way. I have been brought face to face with parts of me I've never seen before.

Sometimes it takes someone new in your life to realize these things. It's not that I haven't been told before, and many times, by people who love me; it's just that I've never been told this way, by someone that I want to love me.

"In conversation it seems like you're in a contest that you have to win" (it may not be an exact quote, but it's a close estimation). I knew she was right, but I didn't know how to change it. Why was I that way? And was it really in EVERY conversation?

I brought up that statement to my mother, and to two of my three closest friends. Without hesitation they affirmed her statement.

My mother started a statment... "Perhaps it's because. . ." she paused.

In that instant, the answer was revealed to my heart. "I was the youngest brother of three, always fighting for respect." I finished her sentance. In a blinding light, and a voice from God, I fell off my high-horse like Saul on the road to Damascus.

I was the youngest brother. I still am, but no longer fighting for respect; yet this tag-along personality defect continues to suck the life out of my relationships. God has restored so much to me, yet I live live as if I still must fight for every ounce of respect I receive. Shouldn't my behaviour match my circumstances?

I am reminded of a statement that same Paul (Saul from above: renamed) made to a group of believers in Corinth. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." (1 Cor. 13:11)

Lord, Help me put childish ways behind me. Help me every morning to rely on You to give me the strength of gentleness in conversation. Help me lose myself, so that You may be seen through me. In the most-holy name of Jesus, let it be made so.